If it is not worth the risk without a mask, then it is not worth the risk with a mask.

What I Would Do in Order of Importance

1. Lose excess weight. We have known about this virus for more than six months now and we have known about the comorbidities the entire time. Diets. No sugar. Less excess carbs. Smaller portions. That’s it. Not easy, but straightforward and effective – with or without a virus. Care about yourself.
2. Be outside. And by the way, you might lose weight outside. Not always possible, not necessarily easy, but the most effective.
3. Open the windows. Turn on a fan. Make the indoors as much like outdoors as possible. Fresh air. Not easy, but effective. One person can infect your whole family in an enclosed house – or not, your choice.
   • What about winter you say? We will see when we get there. Currently it is July so we are lucky we can be outside.
4. Pay attention to what “physical distance” means. It is about your exhaled breath. The virus is invisible and odorless, but imagine second-hand smoke. Outdoors, you are probably alright. Indoors, it could be the guy on the far end of the other room choking you out. Pay attention. Not so difficult, and fairly effective.
5. Masks in hospitals, on public transit, airplanes. Mandatory. Done. Boom. No problem.
6. Mandate that businesses post whether they do not allow masks, allow masks, or require masks. Sure, for the rest of my life if it makes you feel better. Businesses, decide and post it, go. Dictate it, DeWine.
7. Require masks everywhere? Magic false-sense-of-security face underwear that make you feel comfortable in virus-polluted recirculated-air-conditioned places going wherever you want without thinking? Easy, yes. Effective? Maybe, probably not very.
   • An encroachment on rights? Yes. It is. Comparing “you must cover your face to operate” to “you must wash your hands and follow sanitation codes” is an unproductive affront to personal dignity. It is offensive to my basic beliefs. Mandating face covering is a big deal and you better be doing everything else right before I am happy about it. We are not even close.

This is going to continue until we face the first 5 items on this list. Pretending #7 is the answer because it is easy just makes it worse.

Note: unlike the entire rest of my blog, there is swearing in this post. I’ve been driven to it.

Governments across the United States have taken away the right for businesses to operate with their full face showing. Most business owners and employees must wear face coverings to operate. That happened. Boom. Just like that. Some people seem to love it. Many people see it as a civic courtesy. Many people see it as a serious encroachment on rights. Either way, it happened.

Here is some discussion that should occur.

Probable COVID-19 Spreaders from Most Spread to Least

Severe Spreaders

• Hospitals
• Public transit
• Bars and clubs
• Call centers
• Collective care – like nursing homes
• Prisons
• Meat packing facilities and other high density work environments
• Cities in general

I will gladly wear a mask in a hospital or on public transit. Not only are they high-density and indoors, but they also are not social places. We don’t want to be there anyway. Who wants to be in a hospital? Nobody, that’s who. Wearing a mask there doesn’t take anything away. Likewise public transit. Subway cars weren’t designed jam-packed so people could socialize with their full open face spitting on each other from three inches.

Moderate Spreaders

• Restaurants
• Retail Stores
• Office space – so much time here, 8 hours +
• Basically anywhere indoors where the air is trapped – along with trapped exhaled breath aerosols!
• Possibly a park on a no-wind day in the shade might make this list if you have a concert jam-packed with drunk people. Maybe, but I doubt even the worst conditions outdoors would come close to being indoors.
• Wherever everybody goes when they close parks and beaches

Probably Practically Fucking Zero Spread

I try to avoid swearing here but in this case I think we need to jump-start the old common sense neurons.

• Parks
• Beaches
• Parks and beaches on a breezy day especially in the sun
• Especially beaches. They are breezy and sunny.
• Passing someone on the street or sidewalk
• Anywhere outdoors

Guaranteed Zero Spread

• Somebody in their yard doing yard work

Can you believe I even wrote that? I’m actually not 100% convinced this happened but I heard the governor of Michigan essentially tried to put the whole state on house arrest for like a day until various Sheriffs called bullshit. I also heard Mike DeWine said something about mandatory masks, which I believe but he backed off.

Update – 15 July 2020, DeWhiner said something arbitrary about masks. I’m not sure what. Good luck with that guvnah. Man up and tell people to open their windows in July.

Where do masks fit in on this list? Probably nowhere. Indoors, does wearing masks prevent spread of virus breath to the people around you? Very little. Outdoors, are you going to transfer enough exhaled virus breath floating in the wind with UV light sanitizing each little droplet on the way? No way. Not now. Not ever. Breathe free people.

Do masks provide a false sense of security? Oh yeah. Magic masks and everybody back to work! When the virus goes away, is it because everybody was wearing masks? If I post a sign in my yard, “no elephants” and no elephants show up, was it because of the sign? (not my joke, I copied because I love it) When the virus persists for another two years with no reliable vaccine and the media loses interest, did the virus really go away? I bet the masks will.

Some Options Besides Instant Dictation

Hey DeWine, pay attention. Copy this to your teleprompter and regurgitate it.

• Publicize a risk list like above and repeat it. Let people manage their own risk. They are better at it than the government.
• Require that businesses post whether they require masks or not. Let businesses decide what they do, make them post the decision, and let the people decide. If somebody is going to tell me to wear a mask, it better at least be the owner of the building or business. Mike DeWine sure as hell has not earned the right to tell me or any business that. AND TO BE CLEAR, do not even try comparing this to banning indoor smoking. My exhaled breath is not a completely optional carcinogenic fire specifically designed to create poisonous smoke. If that thought even crossed your mind, do ten push-ups and read a book.
• Establish guidelines on delivering food to the elderly and at-risk. Organize helping out.

Some Illustrations

Farts

Ever smelled a fart outdoors? If you did, it would have probably made your eyes water indoors.

COVID-19 (the virus, I know it’s called SARS-CoV-2) is carried in the aerosols of our exhaled breath. Did you know that we exhale 6 liters of breath per minute? Can you imagine farting at 6 liters per minute? Yeah, it would clear a room and it still wouldn’t smell outside.

Does underwear stop a fart from smelling?

Onions

Did you know that viruses can enter through our eyes? Ever chopped an onion – or been in a room where someone is chopping an onion? Your eyes watering is you catching the virus – indoors.

Aerosols

Watch some virus aerosol videos on YouTube.

Fog a Mirror

Can you fog a mirror? You can spread a virus.

Lose Weight

When you lose weight, most of the mass exits your body in your exhaled breath. Carbon dioxide doesn’t make people sick, but it is one more thing contained in breath that we don’t perceive.

Peeing in a Pool

I’m peeing in your pool, but don’t worry I’ve got my shorts on they filter the pee.

Said someone about to be banned from a pool.

Second-Hand Smoke

Yeah go ahead and smoke inside here – so long as they’re filtered cigarettes. They’re filtered cigarettes, right?

Said nobody ever.

Breath Volume

We exhale 6 liters of air per minute. That is a lot. It is enough to fill a room as it disperses.

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